Howdy friends! It’s been awhile since I’ve done a house post – for those out of the loop, I’m currently in my last month of graduate school, truly hellish conditions – and I’ve decided to spice things up by switching South Carolina and South Dakota in order to avoid doing back-to-back beach houses.
HENCE our big house on the prairie:
This brick behemoth, built in 2007, features a whopping 6 bedrooms and 5 baths, topping out at almost 5,000 square feet. It can be all yours for around $800,000 USD.
Lawyer Foyer
Somebody should call a geologist, because I’ve never seen such unique clusters before in my life, and I must say I consider myself quite the slate enthusiast!
Living Room
Speaking of Facebook Aunt Catalogs, they’re online now, and I found one:
(millennial joke voice): hey only my friends can call me sneaky trash
Master Bedroom
“But father, we are your children! How dare you bequeath your entire estate to your mistress leaving us penniless! Who, then, shall be the next Earl of Lincolnshire?”
Dog: bark
(Audience Laughs)
Master Bathroom
You may think that I am some kind of natural urbanite, but I, in fact, grew up in a small southern town, and will allow no prejudiced views towards rural life on my website, McMansion Hell dot com.
Den
Me, dressed up as a Serious Intellectual Speaking Softly on Public Television: You know folks, my parents used to get a ton of mail order catalogs when I was growing up and, like most children, I was fascinated by all the trinkets, trappings and treasures contained within those glossy pages. Fortunately, that experience, coupled with an encyclopedic knowledge of only the most useless, ridiculous subject matter (i.e. things for sale in mail order catalogs from 1999), has allowed me to make these jokes for you today. Thank you.
Bathroom 2:
(Jeb Bush Voice):
Bedroom 2:
actually these 2007 myspace glitter gifs describe grad school pretty well
Finally, we’ve come to our final part of the tour:
Rear Exterior
As 2007 as this journey has been, nothing is more 2007 than an unfinished McMansion.
Well, that does it for South Dakota. Join us next time for our South Carolina McMansion and stick around for the next installment of Looking Around!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
Hello Friends! As we all know, Montana is, in fact, in the wilderness. Like many brave mountaineers, this week’s house seems to be suffering from (lowers sunglasses)…cabin fever.
I say cabin fever, because this 2001 house isn’t actually a cabin, it just suffers horribly from cabin…desire. If you’re into that kind of thing, this thirsty ~7000 square foot estate boasting 5 bedrooms and 4.5 bedrooms can be yours for around $800,000 USD.
Since our Lawyer Foyer drought seems to be continuing, this week we open directly into the kitchen:
Kitchen
I have some questions about this kitchen layout: First, so you have this open space leading into another room and insist on extending the cabinetry…why not make it an extended island so people can sit and communicate with people in the kitchen? Second, why insist on putting an island bar in the center, with behind the stove, no less? (Love to get a face full of hot air while sitting) Third, with no wall behind the sink, water is def going to spill into the living room!! Fourth, what tf is the dishwasher plugged into? Also that is def not enough wall outlets for a kitchen. That’s one reason there are usually 2 walls with cabinetry.
I’m mad now. I’m mad at the kitchen.
Dining Room
hello
Bar (?) Room
This is a better kitchen layout than the kitchen.
Living Room
Unlike actual smoked salmon, upon seeing these walls the only thing I hunger for is change.
Bathroom (Master?)
Sadly, there are no elaborate master bedroom pictures to pair with this glorious wonder:
Don’t lie you know your dad had one of these…and loved it.
An Bedroom
THOSE VIEWS are almost worth the insidious Bass Pro Shop firesale decor.
Den
Y’all better know who Bullwinkle is or I’m going to reel.
EDIT: I have been informed that this is not, in fact a moose, but a Caribou. Good news for Squirrel.
Kids Room 1
Yes, I know it has a happy ending, but every character in that book is insufferable besides it’s a little bit Jane Eyre but for nasty little children.
Kids Room 2
That brick mural screams more dungeon than anything else. Good thing the artist added the bit of sky at the end.
Bathroom
(whispers) why
TV Room
Seriously, was this room designed in Minecraft?
Alas, we’ve come to the end of our tour. Hence, time for everyone’s favorite final shot:
Rear Exterior
Those two windows on the second story aren’t horizontally aligned. You’re welcome.
Well, that does it for Montana! Join us Saturday for a brief Looking Around, where we talk about the Foursquare, and next week (?) for our Nebraska McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Greetings, Friends, from my current state of residence, Maryland. Today’s estate is in the…extremely special…place known as Harford County. Perhaps the best thing to come out of Harford County is my partner, who said, in no uncertain terms, “roast that place to the ground.”
Oh, I will - I will.
This extremely dank 2010 McMansion boasts 4 beds and 5 baths, clocking in at a reasonable <7500 square feet. It can be yours for about $1.2 million USD, aka a total rip off because, come on, look at it.
LAWYER FOYER: EXECUTIVE EDITION
BUT WAIT. JUST WAIT. BEHOLD: DAISY CHAINED CHANDELIERS!!!!!!!
Sometimes I get emails that say “these houses are all obviously staged” as if rich people don’t actually have the worst taste ever despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Yes, sometimes these houses are staged. Sometimes they’re staged…badly. Behold.
Dining Room
According to my partner, who, conveniently A) is sitting next to me and B) teaches high-level college math, one needs at least Calculus III in order to calculate the internal volume of this room. I highly doubt that level of thinking went into building this in the first place, because, well, look at it.
Kitchen
rest in peace, gentle giant.
Also, knowing Japan, The Adventures of Mr. Fridge is probably a thing that exists in this world.
Living Room
Guess they wasted all that ceiling height on their absurd chandelier folly. I guess it’s time to make living rooms great rooms again? no.
Master Bedroom
hey, at least there’s some biodiversity left now that Trump decided to pull out of the Paris Agreement. (weeps deeply while taking shots of gin)
Master Bathroom
Um, are you trying to tell me you don’t have a bathing plate????
Bedroom 2
I’m pretty sure that if a McMansion were capable of writing poetry, this is the highest level of abstraction and/or depth it would be able to achieve.
Also shoutout to the Realtors™ who email me saying they have to resist saying McMansion Hell tropes irl.
Bedroom 3
the light is proportional to the likelihood of this house ever getting sold.
Sitting Room 2
Like, why aren’t stagers just google searching apartment therapy dot com ? Succulents probably make a house 10,000x more likely to sell.
The Bar
lol is spike tv still a thing? i’m a millennial who blogs for a living, as if i could afford cable tv lol.
Sitting Room 3
Current Mood: that table.
Alas, alas, our tour has come to an end, but don’t worry…
the rear exterior is.
.
.
, extremely good.
Rear Exterior
Allow me a moment of juvenilia. I am not above such things.
Well, that does it for Maryland! Stay tuned for a good ol’ rousing theory smackdown featuring Edmund “Pain and Danger” Burke vs p much everyone else on Monday, and next Thursday’s Massachusetts McMansion!
Happy Weekend!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store- 100% goes to charity.
Hello Friends! It’s hard for me to laugh at Maine, because I love it a lot as a place. It’s got some of the most beautiful natural landscapes and architecture in the country. Sadly, not even Maine can outrun the scourge that is the McMansion:
This 5 bed, 6 bath estate was built in 2004 and all 6000+ square feet of its rustic charm can be yours for just under $900,000 USD.
Cathedral of Wasted Space™
Goin’ old school with the McMansion Hell terminology today. Sadly, the chandelier was not available for scrutiny. Also, is that a security camera above that left “column”?
Sitting Room
I’ll be honest, this looks like the waiting room for a high school principal’s office, with the spoils of disciplinary war mounted on the walls to serve as a reminder to all juvenile japanophiles and LARPing enthusiasts out there just who runs this school.
Kitchen
Googling “angled kitchen island counter rug” produced nothing. Maybe “polygonal bar rug”? I must have answers.
I am truly befuddled by that small television. It cannot be seen from the desk, and not really from the dining set either… Maybe it’s just an oversized digital picture frames that were a thing a while back.
Gr8 Room
What a waste having a stone chimney and not continuing the stone on the inside of the house leaving only a sea of beige drywall between your dated half-fanlights. Also look how close the pendant lights are to the skylights!! I don’t know why, but that bothers me for some reason.
Master Bedroom
yo ya girl used to run a mad mono blue control deck back in the day.
Master Bath
Could this possibly be the first McMansion without a his and hers sink???? Oh my goodness.
Bedroom 2
love when my cat sits in the doorway or in the middle of the kitchen thanks bud
Bedroom 3
I can’t tell what kind of psychological effect having the twin towers watching over you while you sleep will have but I’m pretty sure that’s just a little hmmm.
Sadly, there are no rec room or other bathroom pics (this is a pattern with Maine real estate listings under the $1,000,000 mark for some reason) so we will have to cut our tour short with the rear exterior:
Rear Exterior
To end on a positive note, this house is definitely @goodporchesgreatporches material as much as it is McMansion Hell material.
That’s it for Maine, folks! Join us next Monday for some more 18th Century Architectural Theory (very melodramatic) and next Thursday for a certified dank McMansion in my current state of residence, Maryland. Have a great weekend!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store- 100% goes to charity.
