It’s that time in the United States again. And by that time, I mean (coach voice) GAME TIME. It’s SUPER BOWL SUNDAY.
For those of you who are not American football inclined, I’ve decided to add some stakes to the game by finding an ugly house in the LA suburbs and an ugly house in Boston suburbs, and, based on the team that wins, one of these houses will get ROASTED.
So without further ado, our starting lineup:
(Football music plays, but not actually because it’s the intellectual property of the NFL and I don’t want to get another cease and desist letter from a bloated corporation)
IN ONE CORNER, THE UNDERDOG. This player’s had a stunning season. He’s not only the winner of this year’s Dormer Cup, but is also snagged more rooflines than perhaps any other player this season. PLAYING FOR THE LOS ANGELES RAMS:
Marilyn Mansard (LA Rams)
IN THE OTHER CORNER: This team’s Super Bowl appearances are more consistent than all of my friendships after graduating from college, and their star player plays in a style defined by steady traditionalism but with eclectic surprises. Let’s just say, if he sees a new type of window come available, he’s gonna go for it. PLAYING FOR THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS:
Johnny Turret (not a pun just a football sounding name) (New England Patriots)
Happy Halloween, folks! Today, as a special treat, I will be giving you something EXTRA SCARY: 10 (ten) 𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖗𝖊𝖒𝖊𝖑𝖞 𝖈𝖚𝖗𝖘𝖊𝖉 𝖒𝖈𝖒𝖆𝖓𝖘𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 from the breezy suburbs of Seattle.
If you really want to be scared: all of these houses cost more than $1.5 million dollars despite looking like they were made with, like, thirty dollars. I guess the scariest thing of all for so many of us is 𝖗𝖎𝖉𝖎𝖈𝖚𝖑𝖔𝖚𝖘𝖑𝖞 𝖍𝖎𝖌𝖍 𝖚𝖗𝖇𝖆𝖓 𝖍𝖔𝖚𝖘𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖕𝖗𝖎𝖈𝖊𝖘
Well, without further ado:
#10: Asphalt Purgatory
this house really drives home the banality of ugliness but it gets bonus points for the garage, which gives the great pyramid of Giza a run for its money. 9
#9: Vile “Villa”
If you really think about it, so many horror stories come true every day if you’re a tree. you know, like helplessly watching someone slaughter your neighbors and friends
#8: Casa del No
(computer voice): enhancing
this is just an abomination, completely eviscerating the millennia-long tradition of architectural detailing in the same way facebook has eviscerated the meaning of the word “truth” for millions of old people addicted to insane right-wing conspiracy pages
#7: Thinly-Veiled Window Showroom
sometimes i wonder if people deliberately build these houses just to make me (personally) angry, and this is one of those times.
#6: Stop Making Sense: The House
(shouting desperately as I’m getting dragged away by police) FERNGULLY WAS A DOCUMENTARY
#5: Duckface
did these people build a house just using random parts stolen from other construction sites or something
#4: Obligatory Faux Chateau
pin this to your halloween moodboard because this place is definitely cursed in every way imaginable
#3: Great “woof, that’s bad,” Lodge
i would make a Twin Peaks joke but none of those gables quite match
#2: (spooky voice) “code violations”
this is like the luxury cabin in the woods version of groverhaus
#1: Please, I beg you, No Mo PoMo
Where to even start with this house. First of all, it is trying to be like 30 different things at once: Italian Villa, French Eclectic, Tugboat, a thinly veiled metaphor for the perils of human indecision. What personally pushed me over the edge was this:
HOW (how??) does this happen? (Mulder writing in his log at the end of an episode of The X-files voice): Only in a world that has forsaken love and truth, in favor of fear and lies, do such abominations unfold.
Happy Halloween, folks. Don’t drink and drive. As for candy: the world is ending, eat trash twizzlers be free!!! See you soon with Vermont. Also, there’s a few bonus McMansions from this post viewable on Patreon for all subscription tiers!
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including Good House of the Week, Crowdcast streaming, and bonus essays!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or,Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
Howdy folks! I’ve decided to go a little out of order here and get right down to West Virginia. Things have been a bit bleak lately to say the least, and I wanted to share with you a house that pretty much captures the national mood:
This 6 bed, 6 bath brown “contemporary” (contemporary is realtor speak for a house that doesn’t have any shutters) boasts a whopping 6900 square feet and was built in 1993. It can be all yours for around $850,000 USD!
Tort Lawyer Foyer
As we can all see, we’re starting pretty early on with the dreary vibes this house has to offer. This is probably the dreariest lawyer foyer I’ve ever seen, but to be fair, there are some pretty dreary lawyers out there and they deserve representation too.
Formal Room In Which The Family “Sits”
Every decade or so there’s some uncomfortably commodified idea of “Asian” decor that becomes popular, but nothing beats that time in the late aughts where HGTV did those hmmm “feng shui” shows. (if you are an academic writing about material culture, this would be a really interesting paper topic.)
Dining Room
I would have a china cabinet and fill it with all my silly knick knacks. As someone with a chronic case of the “oopsies” i will never have expensive china.
Living Room
hi mom love you
Kitchen
I swear I’ve seen those chairs in like a Boston Market or something. What’s funny about 90s beige is that it’s more gray-tinged (i.e. ‘cold’) which makes it slightly more dreary, whereas 2000s beige is more yellow-tinged (i.e. ‘warm’) and is more mindnumbing. Beige, you see, is a spectrum.
Master Bedroom
Strange that these folks don’t have a little side table or anything to put their phone on before going to bed. even if they’re analog folks, where are y’all gonna put your alarm clock?? on the floor?? i have Questions?
Master Bath
Cell phones definitely killed the intercom market. Generations of wealthy pranksters have been denied the opportunity to harass an entire household of people at once. It’s okay though, they’ve pulled the wool over our eyes anyways by, like, controlling the whole economy and government and stuff.
Bedroom 2
(TED Talk voice): There is the “sincere” market for home goods, and then there is the shadowy “irony” market, which poses a strategic problem for design and its investors.
Bathroom 2
rip beige toilet. u taught me it was ok to be weird.
Hobby Room
ha ha it’s great to do jokes when all i want to do is hide under the covers and sleep away the uncertainty and fear
Den
This is like one of those hacks in video games that lets you dual wield swords or something. (dual wielding living rooms with identical microfiber sectionals is not as cool, admittedly)
Well, (fortunately? unfortunately?) we’re out of rooms, so, without further ado:
Rear Exterior
it is rumored that “computers” may be involved, at this very moment, in the act of “posting”
Anyways folks, that’s it for West Virginia. Up next, Vermont! We’re almost done with the 50 states, folks, and I’m so excited, personally because that means I don’t have to have a tab permanently open that lists them in alphabetical order because no, i didn’t learn the song, sorry.
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including Good House of the Week, Crowdcast streaming, and bonus essays!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or,Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
Howdy, folks! My poor teeth are finally all healed up, so in celebration, I have decided to sink them Sunny Baudelaire-style into this ridiculous house:
This 1995 “Victorian” features 6 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, totaling around 6700 square feet. It can be your humble abode for a modest $1.7 million USD.
Lawyer Foyer
Seriously, I don’t know why they didn’t just enclose the staircase, because that lone beam looks both anticlimactic and structurally unsettling. Also it doesn’t line up with the post at the top of the stairs. I am unusually frustrated by this.
Office
Whomst among us did not have binders full of women in middle school and by binders full of women I mean trapper keepers full of Bleach yuri fanfic? (clears throat) anyways, happy bisexual visibility month
Great Room
Okay so the other two walls in this room are covered with unsettlingly HUGE family portraits that would have taken a lot of time and effort to block out the faces. Anyways, I just want you to know that this is only 1/3rd of the total family portraiture in this space.
Dining Room
i don’t even see any coasters for drinks. i have never before witnessed such recklessness.
Kitchen
ok so I watched an entire week’s worth of HGTV at my parents’ house after getting my wisdom teeth pulled and literally every kitchen has to be white or gray. this pearlescent nonsense has to be a global conspiracy orchestrated by none other than,,, mr. clean.
Den
Oreo cookie commercial: you’ve heard of stuffed. but have you heard of “double stuffed?” Sofa designer for La-Z-Boy: go on
Master Bedroom
(philosopher voice): what is the point of a mirror if you are facing away from it?
(sadly there are no pictures of the master bathroom, so we’re moving on to the last room of the house)
Rec Room
the fifties were lame, (slowly making the entire internet mad) like come on brutalism was barely even a thing then
alright alright, time to wrap this bad boy up:
Rear Exterior
is this technically a 3 car garage? can a car even fit in that garage? next time, on The X Files (theme plays)
Well folks, that does it for Utah! I’m heading to Finland next week (!!!), but stay tuned for Vermont upon my return!
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including Good House of the Week, Crowdcast streaming, and bonus essays!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or,Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
