Howdy folks! Today I’ve decided to return to a long-neglected place of terrible vibes, Oakland County, Michigan. The house on special is, one could say, fit for a king but like maybe one of those kings that sells used cars on tv in the wee hours of the night. Anyway:
This house, built during the ripe housing bubble era of 2002, will only cost the good sir a marginal $3.2 million. For such a pittance, one receives 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms, and around 5,000 square feet. Princely!
Now, you might be thinking that this house will be decked out in the cheesiest middle ages decor imaginable – yes, Kate, surely you shall be showing us a cromulent McCastle specimen. Alas, nay, it is worse than that.
Here is my theory: the people who live in this house do not understand what houses are nor how one behaves in them. It’s like Mark Zuckerberg trying to be human. Nothing, and I mean nothing in this house matches, coordinates, flows, or makes sense. It’s subtle, yes, but when you start to notice it, it becomes infuriating.
yeah, you know what would look good in this mostly neutral room? a painting with a clown palette. good for the digestion.
Tbh I wish they stuck with the hokey castle thing instead of making a house that looks like a bank lobby.
There’s a weird Dracula subtext going on here and it makes me uncomfortable.
I am trying to understand the thought process here. First: tray ceiling. ok. normal mcmansion stuff. Now we need the two narrowest windows WITH a big fanlight on top. OK SO instead of doing a tray ceiling in the middle of the room, what if we did like, a double soffit with recessed lights. Ok. BUT THEN WHAT ABOUT THE WINDOW?? Well we could move the window down two feet or replace it with a more normal window shape, you know one that makes a modicum of sense. However, for some reason that is unacceptable. Hence, moldus interruptus. And yet (and yet) we still want that tray ceiling look because this is 2002. So i guess?? nail on some moldings??? but they’re brown because they have to match the doors instead of the white baseboards??????
???????????????
As a bonus, this room is the easiest for dressing up for Halloween.
You’ve got to give them credit where credit is due here. They had to find some kind of use for the McMansion foyer interzone despite the fact that it is a “room” with no walls that is clearly an oversized traffic area. It’s like putting lounge chairs in the middle of an airport hallway.
Finally, the back side of this house which is marginally better than the castle stuff.
Anyway, thanks for joining me on this confounding journey. Bonus posts will be up tomorrow, and there’s still time to catch me livestreaming terrible home design shows from the 90s on Thursday:
Howdy folks! Pardon my July hiatus, as I was uhhhh covering the Tour de France. Anyway, before I get started, I’m back now and have some good news, which is that the McMansion Hell Patreon tiers have been updated – it’s never been such a good time to support McMansion Hell.
For $1/month you can get access to the Good House posts (McMansion Eyebleach) and the wonderful McMansion Hell Discord, a great, friendly community which is where many houses on here now come from. $3/month tiers will now receive an entire bonus MMH post in addition to the Good House posts that follow every edition of MMH. $5/month tiers still get a monthly house roasting livestream complete with bingo. $10/month tiers now get a bonus livestream that’s much more intimate and also includes voice chat participation. All in all, it’s more of what you want from McMansion Hell. Tiers above $10/month get a selection of exclusive merch along with other benefits.
Ok, awkward marketing moment over. Let’s get down to business. Big business.
We’re back in Denton County, Texas, one of the ground zeros of McMansion Hell, with a “Greek Revival” house built in 1989 but remodeled in the early aughts. Sitting at $2.5million (that’s a lot of oil money) and 6500 square feet, it’s just another example of how everything’s bigger in Texas. Let’s continue.
Lawyer Foyer
Whomst remembers swag? Absolutely dated bit of millennial slang now. Also get used to weird stairs because nothing in this home seems to be on the same level.
??? Room
I guess this is an office? It’s mostly a collection of things just for the sake of things. Peak McMansion.
Living Room
My mom did the red/green thing in her bathroom back in the day so I’m weirdly nostalgic for it. Still it was real. A lot of talk on HGTV at the time about mixing opposing colors (warm/cool) and pops of color (which were kind of missed in the greige era though they are coming back.)
Kitchen
The kitchen was probably renovated later than the rest of the house (I date it around 2009 or so - mismatched islands were kind of a thing then.) Still, no one really knows what to do with that much space and the result is almost always not very economical.
Speaking of…
Bedroom
If you don’t have a stuff corner in your bedroom are you even wealthy?
Bathroom
See the white carpet thing is only a problem when people actually use the tub which they almost never do.
bonus room
What’s the point of having all them trinkets if yer not pondering em???
Well that’s all for this edition folk— wait. wait.
What?
Bonus house-cels coping and seething at pool-chads.
Anyway, let’s look at the back of this thing:
The Dyingest Lawn In Texas is a free album name for anyone who wants it. (Did I mention I was born in Texas yet? That’s a fun fact.)
Anyway, that does it for this edition of McMansion Hell. See y'all soon.
Howdy, folks! Today we will be heading down south to the Atlanta suburbs to view what may be the most yassified house in existence.(The quality of the photos is proportional to the quality of the estate, my apologies.) Also, special thanks to my friend Kristjan who contributed to finding the house and also some of the captions (fondue machine all was him.)
Built smack dab in the Pimp My Ride era (2007) it’s got 8 bedrooms and 8.5 bathrooms, totaling a completely reasonable and not at all absurd 17,500 square feet. $7,750,000, it’s up there as one of the more expensive houses on the blog in its six (6!!) years. (Happy Birthday McMansion Hell!)
Without further ado:
Lawyer Foyer
I know what you’re thinking but we keep it PG with the chair jokes here.
Office
Great Depression humor is back, baby. It’s recession time.
Dining Room
If this house got any more into metallic surfaces there’d be lead in the water.
Great Room
Whole house smells like $14 body spray called something like “tempting pink.”
kitchen
“Braighlynne if you get one drop of apple juice on this rug mommy is going to need a valium.”
Bedroom
Are we finally done with mirrored furniture???? Are we?????? (Also the SIA-line is a Kristjan one.)
bonus:
room
(this is a top-10 joke for me. i am patting myself on the back.)
And finally, we exit our tour:
Usually the rear exterior is less unhinged than the front, but not so this time!
Anyway that does it for this edition of McMansion Hell. Hope you enjoyed, and from sunny Ljubljana, see you next time!
Howdy friends! It’s been awhile since I’ve done a house post – for those out of the loop, I’m currently in my last month of graduate school, truly hellish conditions – and I’ve decided to spice things up by switching South Carolina and South Dakota in order to avoid doing back-to-back beach houses.
HENCE our big house on the prairie:
This brick behemoth, built in 2007, features a whopping 6 bedrooms and 5 baths, topping out at almost 5,000 square feet. It can be all yours for around $800,000 USD.
Lawyer Foyer
Somebody should call a geologist, because I’ve never seen such unique clusters before in my life, and I must say I consider myself quite the slate enthusiast!
Living Room
Speaking of Facebook Aunt Catalogs, they’re online now, and I found one:
(millennial joke voice): hey only my friends can call me sneaky trash
Master Bedroom
“But father, we are your children! How dare you bequeath your entire estate to your mistress leaving us penniless! Who, then, shall be the next Earl of Lincolnshire?”
Dog: bark
(Audience Laughs)
Master Bathroom
You may think that I am some kind of natural urbanite, but I, in fact, grew up in a small southern town, and will allow no prejudiced views towards rural life on my website, McMansion Hell dot com.
Den
Me, dressed up as a Serious Intellectual Speaking Softly on Public Television: You know folks, my parents used to get a ton of mail order catalogs when I was growing up and, like most children, I was fascinated by all the trinkets, trappings and treasures contained within those glossy pages. Fortunately, that experience, coupled with an encyclopedic knowledge of only the most useless, ridiculous subject matter (i.e. things for sale in mail order catalogs from 1999), has allowed me to make these jokes for you today. Thank you.
Bathroom 2:
(Jeb Bush Voice):
Bedroom 2:
actually these 2007 myspace glitter gifs describe grad school pretty well
Finally, we’ve come to our final part of the tour:
Rear Exterior
As 2007 as this journey has been, nothing is more 2007 than an unfinished McMansion.
Well, that does it for South Dakota. Join us next time for our South Carolina McMansion and stick around for the next installment of Looking Around!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
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