Howdy folks! Today I’ve decided to return to a long-neglected place of terrible vibes, Oakland County, Michigan. The house on special is, one could say, fit for a king but like maybe one of those kings that sells used cars on tv in the wee hours of the night. Anyway:
This house, built during the ripe housing bubble era of 2002, will only cost the good sir a marginal $3.2 million. For such a pittance, one receives 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms, and around 5,000 square feet. Princely!
Now, you might be thinking that this house will be decked out in the cheesiest middle ages decor imaginable – yes, Kate, surely you shall be showing us a cromulent McCastle specimen. Alas, nay, it is worse than that.
Here is my theory: the people who live in this house do not understand what houses are nor how one behaves in them. It’s like Mark Zuckerberg trying to be human. Nothing, and I mean nothing in this house matches, coordinates, flows, or makes sense. It’s subtle, yes, but when you start to notice it, it becomes infuriating.
yeah, you know what would look good in this mostly neutral room? a painting with a clown palette. good for the digestion.
Tbh I wish they stuck with the hokey castle thing instead of making a house that looks like a bank lobby.
There’s a weird Dracula subtext going on here and it makes me uncomfortable.
I am trying to understand the thought process here. First: tray ceiling. ok. normal mcmansion stuff. Now we need the two narrowest windows WITH a big fanlight on top. OK SO instead of doing a tray ceiling in the middle of the room, what if we did like, a double soffit with recessed lights. Ok. BUT THEN WHAT ABOUT THE WINDOW?? Well we could move the window down two feet or replace it with a more normal window shape, you know one that makes a modicum of sense. However, for some reason that is unacceptable. Hence, moldus interruptus. And yet (and yet) we still want that tray ceiling look because this is 2002. So i guess?? nail on some moldings??? but they’re brown because they have to match the doors instead of the white baseboards??????
???????????????
As a bonus, this room is the easiest for dressing up for Halloween.
You’ve got to give them credit where credit is due here. They had to find some kind of use for the McMansion foyer interzone despite the fact that it is a “room” with no walls that is clearly an oversized traffic area. It’s like putting lounge chairs in the middle of an airport hallway.
Finally, the back side of this house which is marginally better than the castle stuff.
Anyway, thanks for joining me on this confounding journey. Bonus posts will be up tomorrow, and there’s still time to catch me livestreaming terrible home design shows from the 90s on Thursday:
Hello friends! This week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion is well worth the wait. Every so often I come across a house that is so baselessly tacky, I wonder if the inhabitants have seen what rooms are supposed to look like on TV, like, ever.
Though it might be tame from the outside (by tame I mean clandestinely ugly but surrounded by pretty trees), this 5 bedroom 7 bathroom house, built in 1993, is definitely full of interesting…things. And they all can be yours for 3.3 million dollars!
Obligatory Foyer
Seriously, the weird wood-floor clad nook above the front door is a crime against logic - you can’t get to it without a 14 foot ladder, and it will perpetually tempt your stupid children to try without one.
Can I get that piano mural as a tattoo, because it’s just 2 real and 2 perfect.
The “Great” Room
I don’t have enough friends to fill like half of these seats.
Also that itty bitty step is a total trip hazard.
Dining Room 1
If Dolores Umbridge were a room, she would be this room.
Certified Awesome 90s Kitchen
I swear, I’m having flashbacks about being in Walmart as a young child and getting lost in the bra department and all the bras had the same patterns as these walls and seat cushions and I really just wanted to get back to my mom who was literally around the corner but kids don’t logic real good so I just sat there crying and
Dining Room 2
“Cute 90s Upcycled T-Shirt Custom Fabric Hand Made” ($56)
TV LAIR
Little would they know that their posh setup would be rendered obsolete with the widespread adoption of Picture In Picture circa 2001.
Sketchy Home Office
The wallpaper is especially sketchy.
It’s not like everyone who went to college in the last 5 years hasn’t been harassed by Vector Marketing at the beginning of every semester or anything.
Master Bedroom
So how come the night stands have granite countertops but not the kitchen cabinets??
Master Bathroom
Sadly, the only bathroom visible in the listing.
(Looks in Mirror) (X-Files Theme Plays)
I wish America would adopt the bidet, bc they are a dream.
Bedroom 2
I think I stayed at this hotel once. 2.5/5 stars.
Bedroom 3
Special shoutout to my Patreon donors for enabling me to buy a drawing tablet, which I think is paying off handsomely.
Hella Scary Solitary Confinement Room
Should I call someone? Should I be concerned?
The DANKEST Basement Complex Ever
It’s probably actually dank in the not so good way, too.
I’m seriously impressed by this wine stash, which I doubt was decimated on Election Day, unlike mine. (POLITICAL JOKE)
On second thought, this is a really successful imitation of a 90s Golden Corral.
And finally, we’re at that special point where we take a look at the rear elevation:
Well, that’s it for Oakland County, which has a surprising amount of Late Modern houses, and speaking of Late Modernism - stay tuned for Sunday’s What the Hell is Modern Architecture THE CONCLUSION: Late Modernism.
If you like this post, and want to get access to cool features like the McMansionHell Bingo Cards I’m about to drop and the first round of collectable stickers (designs below), consider supporting me on Patreon!
Copyright Disclaimer:All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
