Howdy, folks! Today we will be heading down south to the Atlanta suburbs to view what may be the most yassified house in existence.(The quality of the photos is proportional to the quality of the estate, my apologies.) Also, special thanks to my friend Kristjan who contributed to finding the house and also some of the captions (fondue machine all was him.)
Built smack dab in the Pimp My Ride era (2007) it’s got 8 bedrooms and 8.5 bathrooms, totaling a completely reasonable and not at all absurd 17,500 square feet. $7,750,000, it’s up there as one of the more expensive houses on the blog in its six (6!!) years. (Happy Birthday McMansion Hell!)
Without further ado:
Lawyer Foyer
I know what you’re thinking but we keep it PG with the chair jokes here.
Office
Great Depression humor is back, baby. It’s recession time.
Dining Room
If this house got any more into metallic surfaces there’d be lead in the water.
Great Room
Whole house smells like $14 body spray called something like “tempting pink.”
kitchen
“Braighlynne if you get one drop of apple juice on this rug mommy is going to need a valium.”
Bedroom
Are we finally done with mirrored furniture???? Are we?????? (Also the SIA-line is a Kristjan one.)
bonus:
room
(this is a top-10 joke for me. i am patting myself on the back.)
And finally, we exit our tour:
Usually the rear exterior is less unhinged than the front, but not so this time!
Anyway that does it for this edition of McMansion Hell. Hope you enjoyed, and from sunny Ljubljana, see you next time!
Hello Friends! I hope you like Cajun spicy, because boy this house is…not that.
I’m going to refer to making jokes about a certain fast food chain or a certain holiday that celebrates the coming of Lent because I like to challenge myself comedically and not resort to place-based stereotypes because I’m from North Carolina and it hurts.
This classic and totally vernacular 2004 house boasts 4 bedrooms, 4.5 baths, of which only 2 are shown in the real estate listing much to my dismay. It can be yours for just over $1 million USD - about how much it’s gonna cost for the pringles can power bill.
Lawyer Foyer
“Harry Potter should just pull himself up by his bootstraps so he can have an under the stairway bit that looks like this instead of being a whiny brat.”
I mean, Harry is whiny though.
ALSO I HOPE YOU LIKE LOOKING AT THESE PEOPLE’S KIDS BECAUSE BOY HOWDY
Dining Room
Gosh, mentioning Prince AND Farrah Fawcett in one picture - how old am I again??? Also I am astonished at the level of coordination in this room. I wish my life were this together.
Great Room
Am I the only one who loves when the TV is bigger than the fireplace?I read it as entertainment > warmth.
Kitchen
aww yiss:
Not to be confused with crookery, which also happened in the 70s.
Office
To be fair, when mom’s job is selling It Works!™ products to her friends and dad is an executive at the golf course factory, the desk size disparity is fair.
Master Bed
did i mention the kids yet?
Master Bath
Man, I hope the 2 people who yell at me for making Donald Trump jokes know that his apartment literally looks like this.
Literally the only other bedroom pictured in this house
“Romeo, Romeo please get me the hell out of here mom wants to get our portraits taken for literally the second time this month I don’t know if I can do this anymore no matter where I go I am surrounded by infinite permutations of my own face oh god.”
Den
The tiny overstuffed chairs just goes way too far for me and also it’s not like those kids can put their feet on the ottoman they are just too short.
Finally, and because of a lack of pictures taken by the realtor, our journey is cut all too short:
Rear Exterior
That water slide just got dark.
Anyways, that’s it for Louisiana. I’ll be in Cleveland on Sunday making acoustical measurements so if anyone wants to say hi hmu on Twitter or email or something. Join me next Wednesday for ACTUALLY KENTUCKY HOLY CRAP I SCREWED UP AND JUST REALIZED IT AT THE END OF THIS POST WOW. Anyway, have a great week!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store- 100% goes to charity.
Hello Friends! If you, like me, are currently enrolled in higher education, I’m sure you are probably in what is known as academic hell, AKA the last few weeks of April. I hope that this post cheers you up as you are undoubtedly procrastinating doing something extremely important and also time-sensitive because you are so physically exhausted that you have entered a state of nihilism you did not think possible until this very moment.
But hey, it could be worse - you could be this:
This house, built in 2000, boasts a whopping 5 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms - which can be yours for the low price of $1.1 million dollars. Onward!
Entry
This is an A) really cramped and B) really confusing cathedral of wasted space. I know that architectural symbolism tells me that I go out of the door with the bits of mass-produced art glass around it, but what if I’m feeling defiant? What will I walk into? (It’s probably coats.)
gr8 r00m
I know there’s no such thing as absolute proportions, but Blondel was kind of right when he said that letting up on the rules would invite architectural chaos. It just took like, a few centuries.
not so gr8 room
I knew a lot of people growing up who were not allowed to eat Thin Mints because god forbid they get a little chubby when they went to college - oh how then will they ever seduce a wealthy doctor/lawyer/financier to marry them only to buy a huge house and get divorced ten years later? Ah, the cyclical family traditions of the Southern Nouveau Riche™~
Dining Room
“Mom, I’m not taking your dumb china. Bryce and I are moving into a tiny house.”
Kitchen
What do you mean Rem Koolhaas didn’t write Junkspace about kitchen end cabinet displays? (I’m real into Rem jokes these days. Must be the season.)
Master Bedroom
OK, I spelled gingham correctly this time do not yell at me in emails anymore. Also, don’t yell at me in emails about dumb B- political jokes because I mercilessly laugh at said emails with my friends over drinks. Mercilessly.
Master Bath
woo, I’m on a roll also those lights are in fact upside down
Bedroom 2
Ah, it’s always fun times when McMansion Hell and Actual Hell converge.
Bedroom 3
yeah, this was a little dark. Also can we all lol @ the idea that adult coloring books are supposed to be zen and chill but in reality you end up spending an hour meticulously planning your color scheme and fretting over coloring tiny repetitive bits the wrong color???? Or is this just me?
Bedroom 4
The saddest thing ever is people telling boys they’re not allowed to feel. The other saddest thing ever is this room.
hmm
god it really is exam season if the jokes are this dark. Almost as dark as that brown carpet.
Rec Room
team booze kitchen
Theatre
(resists urge to make PBS funding joke because it kills me inside)
Finally, our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
Ah my fun new article for [clickbait]: You and your siblings reimagined as bay window layouts on a garbage tract home (Number 3 is sooo true!)
Well, friends that does it for this particularly cruel iteration of the 50 States! Stay tuned next week for an Iowan McMansion, and for Sunday where I don’t get distracted by chocolate this time and post about dead guys who argue about architecture. Have a great rest of your week!
Hello Friends! Apologies for the lateness. As you can see, I’ve been pretty irregular with my Thursday posts. Unlike last semester, I have class on Thursdays. This is not working out so well. As a result, I have decided to move Thursday posts to Wednesdays instead from here on out.
This brings us to our current post in Douglas County, Colorado.
Before I continue with this post, I’d like to feature a quote from renowned architect and architectural theorist Rem Koolhaas to prepare you for what you’re about to see:
(If anyone is wondering, that’s a line from “The Generic City” in his book S,M,L,XL [p.1260] I highly recommend reading it, if you’re into the tone/ideology of this blog.)
This explosion of beige, built in 2001 features 6 bedrooms and 5 baths. It can all be yours for just under $800,000 USD.
The Lawyer Foyer
I unironically irl gave myself a pat on the back for the Stairway to Heaven joke.
The Great Room
I’m assuming that the rug is actually made from real zebra.
Dining Room
Nothing says yee-haw like reclaimed wood.
Also, I was 100% thinking about Kate Bush when writing that curtain joke.
I want to be her omg.
KITCHEN™®
Congrats on being a stereotype, I guess.
Master Bedroom
I wish I had enough room in my bedroom for a daydreaming zone. (looks wistfully out of window, but not too close because the radiators are pretty hot.)
Master Bath
You bet I played the Sims. One of these days I’m going to have a Sims McMansion Contest. The people inside have to be achingly stereotypical suburbanites.
Cheryl moved from Naperville to Colorado, apparently.
Also holy cow, “Shoes” came out TEN YEARS AGO WHAT THE HECK
Boy Room™
My family couldn’t afford Pottery Barn® Teen™ :(
Bathroom 2
I’m not googling “tongue disease” to confirm whether or not this color is accurate.
Girl Room™
My room is blue, what does this MEAN???
? Room
“yeah, whatever, accident number two.”
Music & Dance Room
1. I wanted to somehow make a Kingdom Hearts II joke re: “dance water dance” (my roommate has 2.8 and I AM GOING TO CRY) because before I wrote McMansion Hell, I wrote Kingdom Hearts II fanfiction (when I was 12) also Demyx would be so *&$%ed if he existed in Dune lol I would read that
2. Architectural Acoustics 101: putting fiberglass panels on a wall does not equal INSTANT ACOUSTICS™ In fact, I doubt this configuration does anything at all.
Recreation? Room
You can use “Beleaguered Salmon” for your Cake cover band, I guess.
Exterior
(DISNEY VILLAIN LAUGH) DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS?!:
Well, that does it for this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion. Stay tuned for Sunday’s bit on Irish McMansions, and of course BASED Connecticut next Wednesday. Have a good week!
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
